Once my hazel eyes opened from a restless sleep, on this crisp January morning, the first depressive thought of the day, crept into my brain. “Can I afford to miss work today?”
I was a preschool teacher, two year old classroom, with the best parents and staff I could ever ask for. However unfortunately for me, that didn’t convience my overwhelmed and traumatized brain that life was worth living.
I now understand some truth behind the phrase devil’s eyes, because let me tell you, those eyes were on the brink of rising fiercely. I am not saying that I am the devil. I am simply stating that there was an overwhelmingly amount of torture, pain, and grief, hiding behind those bright hazel reddish eyes.
The pain put upon me, all at once, was a pain I wouldn’t even wish on Tim. Tim was my adoptive father that decided it was in my best interest for him to strip me of my innocence, and manipulate and destroy my adolescent to adulthood brain. Oh and the best part, Tim got away with every sexual act he’s ever done because the Justice System has failed yet another warrior. So hence why the devilish eyes were creeping up.
And sadly on this Florida winter day, Tim was haunting my every thought. He loved to play the game hide and seek in my head. However in my version of hide and seek, finding Tim was nearly impossible. I never knew when he was going to creep through the fragile door. And unfortunately for me, Tim loved to taunt me with the I am not worthy of happiness game. His voice would say calmly and quietly, “All of this is your fault.” And no matter how hard I tried to find the voice, and silence him, Tim was most of the time, never found.
The aftermath of the torture Tim caused, has been more excruciating than any obstacle that has been thrown at my life. My depressive state becomes so increasingly hard to conquor, that in moments of weakness, I don’t even want to leave my comfy, avoidance, bed.
The one aspect of my life, that made my body tiredly get clothes on, was seeing the sunrise every morning. This particular spot, which is posted above, saved my life more times than I can count.
I stumbled upon this hidden gem while
I was driving to work one morning. No one was ever there, so the peaceful nature rewarded my very very tired brain. I didn’t even need to leave my car, just incase
my body wasn’t physically able to overcome social sitatuations.
However on this windy, bright, and humbled morning, I had the courage to put my Black Nissan in park, actually open the car door, and walk towards the old picnic benches.
As those furious eyes starred at the bright red skies, the cold winter air freezed my lungs with a sense of adrenaline, just for a split second. That sudden crisp catch of breathe, opened my wide eyed freckled face, and I found myself slightly smiling.
And in that moment, even if it only lasted for a few heartfelt seconds, I was happy. Genuinely happy.
I’ve taught myself how to allow the sense of happiness into my mind, body, and soul. And every little moment, even as simple as a sunrise, I cherish with every bone in my body.
And this Daytona Sky, on this day, looked as beautful as my heart felt.