A Note to My Mother

I miss you more than you will ever know, even though I shouldn’t. I’ve wanted to pick up the phone and say I forgive you more times than I can count; however, you’ve proven our love isn’t the same. You chose a man who harmed your child physically and mentally without even blinking. I never even stood a chance. You claimed it was because of how I treated you. Yet you’re the reason I treated you in such ballistic ways. I was screaming for help, while you chose to look the other way. Not only did you look away as an adult, but you also looked away when I was a fucking child. A fucking helpless child. And you wonder why I treated you poorly? You also claim you can’t leave Tim because you love him more than life itself. What the fuck am I? Nothing? I was always told that you love your children more than life itself? But you never loved me, I was a burden before I was even born. Honestly, you should have aborted me. That would have been the responsible action to take, instead of living in denial about being pregnant and birthing me in a fucking toilet. I think I deserved more than that. You’re pathetic really.

But,

I thank you for teaching me how not to act. I will never be a weak, helpless woman. I will forever be strong and always shine bright. I will always speak up for myself and help those that can’t. I thank you for teaching me how not to treat children. I will love my child with all of my might and teach them how to stand up for themselves against abusers like you. I will tell them who their grandparents are, so they understand why you aren’t in my life. They will never be hurt by you. For once, you will not stand a chance. But most of all I thank you for leaving. I thank you for finally walking away and no longer fooling me with fake love. Once you walked away, I finally learned to love myself.

I can finally let go of you and all the hurt you caused me. I never thought I would grieve my mother while she was still alive, but the world has a funny way of showing love sometimes.

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