April 18th, 2019

I looked down at my bright eyed I-phone screen and began reading the words I’ve read to myself so many times before.

The Words to My Father ((👈🏻 click link for the words I said to him in court))

But this time my heart was exploding with a magnitude of emotions. Anger, devastation, and peace all screaming at my overwhelmed, anxious brain at the same exact moment.

Anger. Anger because my father is allowed to leave this court room a free man when he deserves nothing.

Devastated. Devastated because videotaping your daughter naked should never be okay in anyone’s eyes. No matter what age I am. And changing these laws should not be incredibly difficult.

Want to know more about That Dreadful Day? (( 👈🏻 click the link))

But yet I found myself at peace. I was at peace because this painfully ill process is coming to an end. And I was beyond proud of myself that I had the courage to face my abuser and in my mind show my adoptive father he no longer had the power over me he desperately craved.

As I finished reading my speech to my abusive father, I looked up at the Judge and found myself intimidated by her presence.

I convinced myself I would never have my opportunity to be heard. The Justice System treated me with very little respect.

I wasn’t going to allow myself to crumble and fall. This was my final chance to be heard.

At first I focused on her classic black “cape,” I never seen one in person. I began observing her up and down. I felt like my eyes were going a million miles per hour.

As I studied her blonde hair and older looking pale white face, I noticed her brown eyes were gentle and kind.

I thank the Judge for her warm, understanding voice. I made certain my furious hazel eyes locked with her brown devastated eyes. She needs to be held accountable. It may not be her that decided on the law, but I truly believe she is a person that could have the power to change it.

Guilt may change the world if used for the better.

I guess you could call me the feminist Robin Hood.

The Judge began asking me a few questions. I was thrown off by her thoughts. I never prepared myself for the aftermath. I was told I would say my peace and she would politely say thank you, and I would walk away.

The question that continues to haunt me and stab my heart out every time was brought up. I didn’t prepare myself for those triggers. My mother’s traumatic triggers are the absolute worst.

The judge calmly asked where my mother was. “She chose Tim.” I confidently said. Again, I wasn’t going to allow myself to crumble on that stand. As she said she was sorry for my loss, I began closing my eyes, I couldn’t breathe.

That’s when the reality set in. My mother chose Tim. With the no contact order in place, I realized that my mother truly doesn’t want me. The pain will never dull. I instantly became numb. I could no longer control the thoughts running through my brain.

I wanted to walk away, looking Tim dead in the eyes, but I looked down to the floor, and sat down.

I closed my crazed eyes, and started taking deep breathes, I told myself, “Brit, now is not the time to crumble. All eyes are on you.

This is your moment to shine.” I opened my teary eyes and focused on the blonde hair Judge. She sat there for what seemed like a century, flipping through her papers, and finally presented the plea; 12 months probation, no contact order, and a 500 dollar fine.

Again I looked down. I ultimately knew the outcome of today, but it however didn’t make the pain any less traumatic. I almost allowed the nausea take over my body. But once again I promised my inner self that I would overcome this.

I was frantically looking around the room. I didn’t want to lock eyes with Tim, I didn’t want to see that smirk smile on his face.

As I was swaying my eyes every which way, I noticed a plump white middle age police officer, looking at me helplessly. As I looked into his eyes, I noticed his red hot face, and his head swaying back and forth rapidly in disbelief.

The police officer noticed me. He noticed my pain and my want for justice. Even though it wasn’t him intentionally, his body language makes me believe that he realized he failed me that day. The Justice System failed me that day.

And I will forever hold on to the belief that I made him notice how I am not a black and white situation. I am a human, a human that deserves love and support.

I deserve Justice.

I didn’t know how to handle the situation presented at me, again, I didn’t prepare myself for actually mattering to others in the Justice System.

I looked down and looked over at my advocate. She said it was time to go. I walked out with the biggest, warmest smile on my face. My advocate looked at me, smiling ear to ear, and told me how proud she was of me. Rather if it was scripted or not, I was proud of myself and that’s all matters.

I made a difference today. No matter how hard this process has been, I am proud of myself and others that have spoken up to their abuser.

Those that are struggling remember, you are so much stronger than you realize. I promise. And you just never know, you might make a little difference. The little differences are the baby foot steps to changing our Justice.

6 thoughts on “April 18th, 2019

  1. As a child sexual abuse survivor, now warrior, I applaud your courage and thank you for standing up. My mother convinced me to not go to the police. I write on this subject as well. God bless you in your continued healing.

    Like

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