“Mom, I need to talk to you about Dad.” We went and sat down on my parents bed.
She looked concerned and that she cared. I asked her, “Do you know what this is about?” My mother said, “Yes. I know your dad is to tough on you sometimes.” “No mom, this is about something else.” I said. “This is about dad molesting me as a child.”
Her whole demeanor instantly changed. She wasn’t concerned anymore for me. She went into defensive mode. “Brit what could he have done to you?” “Well mom when I was in 5th grade, during the time I became curious about sex, dad decided he was going to teach me how to masturbate .” I said. “Oh sweety my mother taught me how to masturbate.
That’s normal. There is no need to worry.” My mother rebuttal.
In that moment I had no idea how to think. I honestly wanted to shake her and say “woman wake the fuck up, none of this behavior is normal.”
Instead of realizing my Mother’s manipulative behavior, I enabled it. I felt sorry for her. I thought my mother was abused and didn’t know how to deal with the whole situation.
Through out my life I always vowed to protect my family. Especially my mother.
My mother is all that I’ve ever truly had. No matter how fucked up I became, she always had my back, excuses at hand, and ignored any type of irrational behavior.
No matter how many relationships I ruined.
No matter how many lies I got myself caught in.
And definitely no matter how many boys I indulged into. I had no shame when it came to myself.
Sex was taught as a normal behavior not an act you want to cherish and enjoy.
Still to this very minute I am angry that my father decided to take the one precious act I had to hold. That was truly mine. Because let me tell you, I would have done every act different. Quite frankly up until my love now, I can honestly say I regret every sexual act I encountered.
Some were forced. Some were faked. And some were lust.
Never once for love and undesirable passion.
My mother never taught me about sex. Creepy enough she had my father do it.
The day than piece of shit taught me how wonderful sex was, was the day he decided to strip my innocence away.
The day he began his power and hired my mother for his devilish desires.
The sad truth of it all, the ones you believe to love you, even mothers, don’t always have your best interest at heart.
One of my biggest regrets in my lifetime so far, is putting my family first when I should of put me before them.
I know, I know, I know, family is everything.
But is your family truly worth keeping if all they cause is harm? Shame? Guilt? Denial?