Innocence Lost on You

“Mom, I need to talk to you about Dad.” We went and sat down on my parents bed.

She looked concerned and that she cared. I asked her, “Do you know what this is about?” My mother said, “Yes. I know your dad is to tough on you sometimes.” “No mom, this is about something else.” I said. “This is about dad molesting me as a child.”

Her whole demeanor instantly changed. She wasn’t concerned anymore for me. She went into defensive mode. “Brit what could he have done to you?” “Well mom when I was in 5th grade, during the time I became curious about sex, dad decided he was going to teach me how to masturbate .” I said. “Oh sweety my mother taught me how to masturbate.

That’s normal. There is no need to worry.” My mother rebuttal.

In that moment I had no idea how to think. I honestly wanted to shake her and say “woman wake the fuck up, none of this behavior is normal.”

Instead of realizing my Mother’s manipulative behavior, I enabled it. I felt sorry for her. I thought my mother was abused and didn’t know how to deal with the whole situation.

Through out my life I always vowed to protect my family. Especially my mother.

My mother is all that I’ve ever truly had. No matter how fucked up I became, she always had my back, excuses at hand, and ignored any type of irrational behavior.

My Mother’s Story

No matter how many relationships I ruined.

No matter how many lies I got myself caught in.

And definitely no matter how many boys I indulged into. I had no shame when it came to myself.

Sex was taught as a normal behavior not an act you want to cherish and enjoy.

Still to this very minute I am angry that my father decided to take the one precious act I had to hold. That was truly mine. Because let me tell you, I would have done every act different. Quite frankly up until my love now, I can honestly say I regret every sexual act I encountered.

My Story

Some were forced. Some were faked. And some were lust.

Never once for love and undesirable passion.

My mother never taught me about sex. Creepy enough she had my father do it.

The day than piece of shit taught me how wonderful sex was, was the day he decided to strip my innocence away.

The day he began his power and hired my mother for his devilish desires.

The sad truth of it all, the ones you believe to love you, even mothers, don’t always have your best interest at heart.

One of my biggest regrets in my lifetime so far, is putting my family first when I should of put me before them.

I know, I know, I know, family is everything.

But is your family truly worth keeping if all they cause is harm? Shame? Guilt? Denial?

10 thoughts on “Innocence Lost on You

  1. Thanks for your bravery in sharing this. Bringing dark things into the light is the only way to begin destroying the power of the darkness. I pray you are finding your healing. Your story is way too common I’m afraid, and yes, family is important but your true family are those who love you, have your back, and would rather die than hurt you, not those who share your blood but stomp on your heart. Spirit is much more powerful than flesh, the family of God, tho flawed and ignorant at times, is a good place to seek that safe haven. And if they don’t love you for who you are, then they done know the Jesus I know.

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  2. Thank you for sharing. I hope you felt better after writing this, but I wouldn’t be surprised if you felt worse. Hang in there girl you have been through a lot and none I mean none of it was your fault, believe that. God bless and remember you got to get the bad stuff out, so you have room to put the good stuff in

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  3. Powerful. I am sorry that this happened to you. Your courage gives me courage as well. I have been debating on posting more of my story, now I believe I will. For me, I was 8 when I was raped by four teen boys. Then 12 when it was my 24 year old brother. 20 when it was a friend finishing training for the police academy, because I told him no.
    Yes, family is important. But you are the most important. If you are not safe with your family of blood, then you can create a family of your own. I never bought into blood is thicker than water. My first assault happened in 1978. I kept my secret until 2006. I began working with my therapist 3 years earlier. But I was about to be outed by another doctor if I didn’t tell him, so I did. My therapist is about 10 years older than me, a strong Christian, and has always pushed me when I needed it, and compassionate when I needed. In ’06 my husband and I hit a rough patch (15 yrs into our marriage). Having been locked up like an old safe, when my secrets came out, not because I wanted them to, but because even that was pret much forced to, within 3 days I OD’ed on a bunch of prescriptions, a combo that should have easily caused my death, but didn’t. It was too much too fast. But today I am grateful for everyone who has been a part of my healing. (Besides my husband and my therapist… She was a bitch!)
    Wherever you are safe, is exactly where you should be… Even if it doesn’t mean blood. This is your scar, but it is 100% not your shame to carry. The ones who did not protect you will face judgment in the end. Be where you are loved for being you. 💗💗💗

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  4. I don’t think dysfunction can grow in a healthy environment. When you search for answers and truth from those around you, usually those people will offer more dysfunction and sometimes support of the behaviors that harm others. Many times I think others will have you take on the blame for the behavior as well. It is hard to both love the abusers and to grow apart from them for your own health and well being. Do not carry the blame for the mistakes you make along the way towards your growth.

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