I see the fear in those that I love. All wide-eyed and walking on eggshells as if their next breathe I was going to explode with toxic emotion.
I have a certain pattern to my behavior. I always enter a depressive yet manic impulsive state when every holiday appears. And my Mom’s birthday is slowly approaching.
However each year gets that much less difficult. And each episode is one small step forward. And sometimes with a million steps back. But you know what? Who the fuck cares. Because I am so proud of myself for at least trying. At least I am working on finding a solution. And no matter what may happen, I truly know that life will figure itself out. Each time my universe comes crashing with all its might, I always manage to survive.
And you will too. You will overcome whatever may be happening in your life. No matter what your circumstance may be. I promise you. And not because I am a doctor with all the answers, because I am too a warrior who fights like hell to stay alive. And each day my freckled, hazel eyes open, I am grateful the slice to my arm or the over abundance of pills didn’t take my final breathe.
All the pain I’ve been through is worth all the hurt behind my traumatized eyes. Again, I promise you. I pinkie promise you.
And this brings me to the next hard truth after reporting/speaking about your abuser. The pain will be unbearable. Your whole world will sadly crumble beneath your feet, but the pain that shatters your heart is worth it. The nights where you are gasping for breathe from all the tears streaming down your exhausted eyes, the pain is worth it. Where you lay awake at night hoping the spirits above will come take your soul, the pain is worth it.
This day three years ago, I was sitting in the tub of my bathroom, naked, with the cold water splashing into my face. I was numb. I felt absolutely nothing, including the freezing cold water that happened to be running down my face for a good hour.
And my bloodshot, hazel eyes closed hoping for some type of relief. I missed my mother so damn much. And honestly I still do. I believe the pain will dull overtime, but will never fully disappear. No matter how horrible she may be, I still loved her with all my might.
Today, three years ago, was the day I planned to die. Now this would be at least the tenth time I planned my attempt. I put so much thought into what I was planning to do.
But as that water ran down my pale, bluish face, I was arguing with myself in my head. My own voice is downright awful to me at times. My voice loves to taunt me with everything I think is wrong with my mind and body. And decides to just keep repeating and repeating, no matter how much I argue with her.
Now, I am slowly learning how to live with my voice. I know she will always be apart of me. I truly wish I could snap my fingers and make her disappear. She has done way more harm than good. But I’ve learned the more I fight her, the more she pesters.
Over time I’ve learned to communicate with my voice with patience and positivity with support in-between.
And for those that need support. I see you. I am here. And I support you.
I eventually snapped myself back to reality, on this very day three years ago.
I turned off the water, dried myself off, and fell to the ground crying. Sobbing.
All I wanted was the pain to stop. I wanted my voice to stop. I wanted ALL my voices to stop.
I just wanted to be happy. I just wanted to smile. And that’s the moment I realized well fuck if I want to be happy? And I actually want to smile? Then do I truly want to die?
Because if I wanted to die then I wouldn’t want those emotions.
I wanted to live, I just wanted my pain to subside. I needed help.
I needed to stop being ashamed of what happened to me. I needed to fight.
And since this day, I’ve fought like hell, and I will never stop trying.
And neither should you.