As I sat in the corner of my bedroom, swaying my body back and forth rapidly, holding my knees to my chest. I kept arguing with my lovely voice inside my head. Who I refer to as Her. As I continued to sway and scream at myself, not a soul around, I locked my helpless, hazel eyes on my brown bookcase in my ladybug, wallpapered bedroom.
Her began to scream loudly into my thoughts. How could you not notice the camera? How could you not notice your father’s behavior? How could you allow this behavior to happen?
Tim, the only father I’ve only ever known at this point in time, decided it would be a grand idea to hide a camera in the bookcase in my bedroom. Now Tim didn’t hide the camera to make sure my behavior was up to par, Nah Tim decided he only wanted my naked body to be captured. And I know this how you might ask?
I know because Tim, my adoptive father, decided to upload the videos and pictures to the desktop computer that I used daily. And not by any means was this traumatic occurrence an accident.
My father, Tim, left all of the nude videos in the same file folder, and the same exact screenshot on the desktop sat there haunting my confused, exhausted eyes until the day I confronted both of my parents about the videos.
Once I found the videos my whole entire world collapsed and instant paranoia set in.
And this brings me to the Fourth Hard Truth After Speaking/Reporting your Abuser. Don’t allow the paranoia to overtake your every thought and emotion.
I knew what Tim was capable of. I always knew what my father did to me as a child, however, there was a slight piece of me that believed I truly was insane. Everyone that ever was close to me told me that I was a liar or completely ignored the entire situation.
When the videos surfaced on theRush2112 desktop screen my heart sank. That was the moment I knew that Tim was a fucking child molester, and I needed to get the fuck out.
But Her knew that paranoia could potentially be my new kryptonite. My mother being the first.
And as I began to become weaker, with little or no support from those I truly loved. Her began using my paranoia to her advantage. I had support around me. But sadly no one knew how to handle the situation thrown at them and nor do I ever blame them for not understanding. And there were a few around me that tried to snap me into reality, but I truly believed my mother would stand by my side, but my own mother manipulated me to keep my silence.
Hence why I ended up in the corner of my room, arguing with myself. Her began realizing I truly blamed myself for Tim’s devilish actions. I was beyond mortified I never noticed what Tim was doing. How could I be so blind? And even more disturbing than that, what behavior did I display towards Tim to make him obsessed with my entire body. And I wish I had at least one soul who could express to me that the emotions I was feeling were completely valid, however, my emotions were lying to me. So I am going to tell those that are struggling. I absolutely love you. I believe you. And I am here for you. Please, please, please don’t you dare believe those lies your head wants you to believe. Your abuser’s actions are no way EVER your fucking fault. It’s their disturbing problem. And no matter what you did, your abuser’s actions would still be the same. And I am so sorry that this happened to you, but you can overcome any circumstance. I promise you.
And if the voices are already approaching remind yourself that YOU MATTER. You always matter. And if your voice(s) are telling to otherwise basically tell them to shut the fuck up.
I sadly didn’t have the courage to overcome my voices, AT FIRST. And that is majorly due to Her. Not only was she wrongfully reminding me of my worth, but Her also loved to point out every single human that “glanced” over my way. Was that older man just looking at my boobs? Is that man behind me taking a video of my ass?
And as soon as I followed Her’s every thought, the minions soon followed. But that story is for a different day…