“I, I just don’t have anything to wear.” I yelled at my very confused boyfriend, who was trying his best to “help” the situation, but my irrational and racing thoughts clouded all my judgment.
Her, my best friend you might say, is a nagging voice, that sounds identical to me, who is constantly whispering in my ear, every thought I wish I could erase.
Not only is she absolutely marvelous at pointing out my every damn flaw, Her has minions that love to play the game as well.
Their names are Guilt and Tim. And they too also live in my head, but a lot easier to mange than the lovely Queen B, Her.
And on this particular day, where yelling at my poor boyfriend seemed like such a marvelous idea, all three of my lovely voices made such a loud appearance that day.
Honestly some days are just worse than others and there is no reasoning behind most of my off days. Sadly, my negative days just pop out of no where, it’s like a vicious game of tag your it. And while after countless hours of hard work, I’ve finally reached a place in my life where I can simply just tell them to shut the fuck up. I wasn’t always so courageous to stand up against my voices. Not that long ago, I just would let them win. I was way to exhausted to fight them, I just wanted Her, Guilt, and Tim to just disappear.
And this brings me to my final Hard Truth After Speaking/Reporting Abuser, no matter how hard I’ve tried to “make” my voices disappear, fighting Her and the minions only cause myself more pain. Once I learned how to coexist with my devilish friends, my thoughts became easier to manage with time and perseverance.
Like I’ve said many times before, I am not a doctor nor a therapist, I am just a Warrior trying to survive.
And to those that feel helpless and lost, controlled by their every waking and sleeping thought, remember I hear you. I see you. And I believe you.
I know the tortuous pain is unbearable and you don’t think you can go on for another day, but I promise you, you can fight. Sometimes you just have to fight like hell to be reminded of your worth. To help you remember you only need YOURSELF to shine.