This is the time of year where you see bright lights full of joy and laughter. The time of year for family to all gather around and catch up and tell stories over the last year. Full of love. Full of excitement. Full of support.
But for the select few that spend their Holidays alone, this time of year is full of devastation and guilt. And I am apart of that select few. And this hasn’t just begun, I’ve always longed for a traditional family Holiday. But my holidays were all make believe and I found comfort in performing my own traditions through play. It’s how I survived my head as a child.
Throughout my life, some Thanksgivings and almost all Christmases, I locked myself in my room all day and played with all my new gadgets. And I wasn’t the only one doing so.
Tim slept. My mom sat on the couch watching tv or cooking dinner alone, and my brother was also in his room. All of us were technically “together”, but all spending Christmas in separate rooms.
The first year without my family was when Her made me feel the most alone. Her is my other half. The half of me I fight to stay away from. She made me believe I was completely lost without my “family.” And the silly part of it all, I was so blinded by denial, guilt, and lust that I didn’t even realize I was so much better off without them. I was overly lost in my head worried about people that didn’t deserve my love. I overlooked the people around me trying.
So over the Holidays I am going to be sharing tips and tricks on how I came out of my head. And remember I am not a doctor, just a Warrior trying to survive. I am slowly learning how to love myself and appreciate those around me. I know it sounds silly, but denial does cloud all judgement. And if you feel as all is lost even though you have the world around you, your feelings are valid. And I am beyond sorry you feel this way. I hear you. I support you. And we are all in this fight together. And just remember your bad days don’t define the shine in your heart.