My Christmas Universe

As I sat on the old, faded black, futon in my boyfriend and I’s small, dark living room, I found my freckle, hazel eyes fixed on the Christmas tree lights. I couldn’t take my exhausted eyes off of those illuminating colors and at this second all I could do was stare. Not a single thought in my mind. I felt completely numb.

I spaced out on those hypnosis Christmas lights for what seemed like a lifetime. Until I, of course, heard“Pretty Little Liars” creep up on the T.V screen.

“Pretty Little Liars” was my favorite guilty pleasure to binge out and watch over and over and over. I used my T.V. shows as an escape from my painfully, overwhelming life.

But on this very day, when this spectacular show just crept onto my T.V. screen, where my body felt completely numb. I looked up slowly, closed my dark circles eyes tight and screamed at the top of my lungs and began sobbing uncontrollably with my fists and legs wailing on the futon. If someone would have walked in that moment all they would see is a grown-ass woman throwing a fit. Funny now, but not at that time. All the rage I’ve been holding in for so long finally surfaced. Denial always comes back to you in the most dramatic ways, trust me.

Christmas is such a hard Holiday for me. The worst of all the Holidays. And it’s not because I experience wonderful moments of Christmas morning and I so desperately long for more, because this is the day when my brain decides to let all the triggers, memories, and flashbacks surface. And each year the haunting memories, flashbacks, and triggers seem to arise sooner and sooner.

And last year, on this November day, my brain literally took me to a parallel universe where I thought I would never escape.

This parallel universe looked the same around me of course, the world around me just seemed that much more darker. And in a strange way, I enjoyed the dark. I enjoyed the pain.

As I opened my dark circle eyes, the first object that appeared to me in my new and interesting world, was, of course, my bright light, Christmas tree.

And I no longer felt numb when I starred at that dumb, plastic make-believe tree. All I felt was anger, hatred, an overabundance of pain. I lunged at my 4ft tree with all my might and one by one slammed each ornament to the ground.

All my precious moments gone.

All the ones I made as a child, crushed to pieces.

Few survived.

I stood up and looked around my torn to pieces living room and liked the rage I felt through my body. I felt alive. And I didn’t want to lose the feeling. I wanted the emotion to thrive.

And at that time, I wish I could of my told myself to shut the fuck up and chill the fuck out, please.

The reason I was so excited about the emotions, even if expressed in the completely wrong way, I actually felt SOMETHING. I longed for that for so long. And I was beyond joyous when I finally felt.

I still have those intense emotions surface. Rage is always haunting my soul at this time of year. But now I’ve learned how to express those much-needed emotions in a positive light.

Towards a purpose that matters rather than destroys everything in my path. Because sadly now I’ve lost all the ornaments throughout my life. Even if filled with painful memories, it was still my childhood, and I would of much rather disposed of them in a much more civil manner.

But your reading this to learn from my mistakes right? So listen when I tell you this. Be mental. Express your anger. Let those that hurt you know the pain they caused. But remain humble. Be kind. And always be grateful.

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