Tea Party Blues

I was asked yesterday dead or alive who I would want to have a tea party with, and I can’t choose between the living or sadly passed, so the perfect answer would have to be choosing both of course. Living would have to be Ashley Lemieux and she is beyond incredible, but today is not about her. Today is about the woman that stole my heart, Carrie Fisher.

I first fell in love with this beauty in Star Wars of course. Stars Wars is one of the best series made of all time. No argument. Not only because of the amazing plot twist because Princess Layla taught my child eyes that women could be powerful and strong. Now as a little girl I of course had no idea her struggles with mental illness, but I idolized Carrie’s character. I mean what girl doesn’t want to be a badass woman who has the power to kick some major ass?

As I grew older, I forgot about Carrie, because my mind barely had time to survive let alone think about women I idolized as a child. My adolescent brain was beyond scared by Tim’s inexcusable actions, and barely remembered anything from the past.

As I began to let my mind heal, soon the memories followed. Mostly bad, but I did have some amazing moments as a child.

One of them being watching Star Wars. For many years even looking at the word haunted my brain. And I instantly panicked to my knees every damn time.

Tim was the one who introduced me to the series that ultimately changed my life. But for a long while I just couldn’t bare to love something Tim taught me to enjoy. All I associated with Star Wars was hatred.

Last year I promised myself I would enjoy old hobbies that link me to my parents. Because in reality why should I have to stop loving everything I enjoy because of THEIR actions. Not mine.

And last year around this time, I opened my exhausted eyes and my first thought was I want to watch Star Wars. Best believe my ass jumped out of my bed and binged watched most of the iconic series and enjoyed every damn minute of it.

I wish I could look at your tired eyes and tell you when your moment of happiness will come right this very minute. But to be completely honest, my Star Wars thought was a split revelation that I didn’t want to lose out on. My body was just ready to let the pain settle and bring the love back to light. So the best advice I can give to you. The second, I mean it, the second your body expresses to you an instant feeling of joy and happiness. Don’t think act. Let yourself enjoy that thought because sweetheart that is YOUR body letting you know you’re ready to heal. To move on. And just let go.

And after I watched Star Wars with a huge smile on my freckled face. My brain became curious about Carrie Fisher and who she was as a person. Who she grown up to be. And little did I know her life would change mine.

But that is a story for another day….

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