“Brit, why can’t you just appreciate what is around you. Why do you always have to be so negative?”

I’ve heard this from about everyone I’ve ever known. And to be quite honest every single damn time I hear this phrase, I want to punch whoever said that square in the face and say, “Bitch you don’t think I know that?”

I don’t try to be negative. All I want is for the rainbows to be bright and enjoy the crisp air around me. All I want is to express joy rather than denial, shame, and guilt.

And fuck do I try to feel joy. I try to open my exhausted, hazel eyes wide and scream at myself, “JUST BE HAPPY.” All I want is to be happy.

But fuck man, Her, my lovely voice who plays daily in my head. At times, no matter how hard I try, she defeats my every positive thought or technique.

And once Her begins to play tag your it, all the other Minions follow. And Her’s favorite friendamy is of course Anxiety. And when those two combine their forces, the kryptonite overtakes suddenly.

And yeah, yeah, yeah I know. Like I’ve been told many times before “You just need to think positive.” “Time heals all wounds.” Or my uppermost favorite, “Just get over it already.”

And the funny part of it all, is I try. I try so damn hard. I have a job. A loving relationship. A family who wants to start a new chapter. I honestly do have more than I could ever desire.

But then comes Her screaming into my pale, cold ears, “Your own mother doesn’t love you why would your dad?” “Tim is always watching and will never be stopped.” “Why haven’t you kill yourself yet?”

And once Her spins and spins and spins my overwhelmed, confused brain, Anxiety then tip-toes into my thoughts as well. “Tim is stalking you on insta.” “You are two minutes late for work your boss is going to get upset at you, once again.” “You will mess up.”

And when those two spread their love, I just can’t handle it and my brain snaps.

And again I know, “JUST GET OVER IT.”

Fuck, I wish I could. I wish I could move on. But this is life of being bipolar. This is the life of depression. On a bad day.

But there are wonderful days. Days of laughter, peace, and joy. Those are the days I cherish the most. Because for however long that joy decides to last, I feel happiness. My rainbows are bright and the crisp air feels my lungs with an awakening feel of hope. And hope is what makes my shattered heart beat on. And I will continue to beat because fuck even if the happiness is for a split second, it’s all worth it. Life is always worth it.

14 thoughts on ““JUST GET OVER IT.”

  1. I love this post I can really relate. Like you I do have good days. There is a huge amount of positive stuff in my life. Some days though my negative self talk takes over my brain, Oh the joy of depression and Bi-Polar, I too have sayings that i hear from people that drive me nuts. ” Your doing to much”, “Life an’t that bad”,

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Big big hugs my dear … I hope you can open your heart to the love and acceptance that exists for you and all the selves and sides and aspects within you. As you grow and learn you will get better at it; you will integrate more and being around loving others you will grow more loving of yourself.
    I cannot say enough – self-love and self-acceptance is everything. And it’s bloody damn near impossible when your key models – mum and dad – didn’t show you how (because they didn’t love and accept themselves either – because they didn’t get it from their parents).

    I learnt an ENORMOUS amount about self-acceptance from watching The Piñata System on YouTube. They are a person/system with dissociative identity disorder. Some of the identities had even tried to kill the body, but through love and deep acceptance of even those most troubled selves, there has been much healing. It’s not easy, and they have daily battles but also much joy and love.

    Anyhow, just watching Nan, and Jeremy and especially Evan speak really showed me in flesh and blood what self-compassion actually looks like. I can give some of that to myself now.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I relate on a whole other level.
    But it’s gets better.hopefully …you and Her sometimes talk it out …you and Her sometimes enjoy the sun….it’s weird…but on rare occasions,it happens and it’s beautiful …just don’t force it for the world…let it happen for you

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This is exactly a reason why this post is good. Not only are you intelligently relating what has happened to all of us over the years, you are educating those who are struggling to understand what is happening to you.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Time really is a healer and I believe time can even level out a so-called ‘bipolar’ diagnosis (a term i don’t really believe in because it’s too limiting and IMO can be surpassed.. at least with those able to see beyond it…) 💛💚💗


  5. Those types of comments are so invalidating and frustrating! I have learned that I can only start feeling better by removing myself from people like that and be around those that support me. They don’t understand because it didn’t happen to them, and for them to judge someone for something they can’t possibly understand makes them imbeciles.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s