Dear Best Friend

Dear Best Friend,

I know my sorries mean absolutely nothing to you anymore. All you wanted from me all those years ago was honesty. Just honesty.

I tried my damn hardest to prove to you that I was still worthy of your love. All I wanted was your love. You made me feel complete in a world of complete uncertainty. I always would sore the highest depths when you forgave me. Probably why for a long while you continuously kept coming back to my fucked up mess.

I thank you. I thank you for loving me even when everyone scolded you otherwise. You never gave up on me all those years. I just didn’t love myself, so sadly your love never stood a chance.

Our timing was just all wrong for the friendship we both so desperately wanted.

As I browse through my old blue photo album, I see my bright hazel, freckled face full of complete laughter and joy. For that I am thankful. Those are the moments that saved my life. You don’t understand the magnitude of those moments for me.

You are the reason I know what love is. I fought all those years and chose to stay alive for you. I just wish I would have reached out to you all those years ago.

I trusted you. I just never trusted myself with my own truth. My truth was far to harsh to face. I knew our friendship wouldn’t survive the heat. I was a troubled soul. There was no insane way your parents would let our relationship continue. I couldn’t allow the judgment of others to lose the only person that loved me.

As we grew older, I continued to live the life I taught myself to believe. I would crumble and fall into my lies. I continued this far longer than I should. All the lies started to blend together.

You grew smart. I grew insane at the thought of losing you. And the funniest part of it all, if I would have just been honest with you, you would be here to learn of the person I’ve become.

I am no longer that girl in those photos. I am strong. I’ve overcome more than I ever thought I could. I fight for that girl in those pictures though. I fight so no other soul has to feel ashamed of who they are.

I am not what happened to me. I am just me, bipolar mess and all. I just wish you could see it. I just wish I could tell you one last time that I am truly sorry. So sorry for the lies, manipulations, and bullshit. And for one last time, true promises and all, tell you that I’ve changed. But I will never get that wish because I’ve gone down a path to hard to forgive. A path I chose.

Once again I let fear consume my every thought. And fuck am I beyond sorry you were a product in my messed up behavior.

That’s why I guess you should tell your truth? All I can say is I am happy you were a lesson learned. Not for one second do I ever regret our relationship. I regret not being honest. Just simply honest with you.

13 thoughts on “Dear Best Friend

  1. Beautifully said! You have come so far and I admire how much self awareness you have and your desire to keep working on yourself. It’s so inspiring to see more people like yourself talking about mental health in a real and honest way. The more voices we have hopefully one day we can lift the stigma completely. Keep writing!

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  2. Bri, I am sorry to hear about what you have gone through, but I am glad to hear you are healing. You are correct in saying you are not what has happened to you. Keep telling your story, and keep encouraging. Blessings to you!

    (I tried to push the Like button, but I’m not sure it was working for me. It wouldn’t display that it was pushed).

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  3. It’s a huge milestone to decide to be honest, to live your truth. Well done!

    I hid my drug problems from my wife. They almost destroyed our marriage. Six months ago today (no less!) I came clean… clean from drugs and clean from the lies. I promised my wife I would never lie to her again and I wouldn’t hide anything either. At times it’s not easy to be honest, but in the long-term it’s way easier than dealing with the wreckage caused by lies and broken trust.

    Wishing you all the best.

    Like

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